Why There Are No Fat Vampires

Ever wonder why you never see fat vampires at the movies?

Aside from all of the teenage vampire love stories and the exotic Hollywood vampires with European accents, I have yet to see any over-weight vampires. (OK, maybe that really big one in the first Blade movie with Wesley Snipes.) Even the real crazy, ugly ones are often gaunt, stringy or ripped with sinewy muscle. Even the beautiful fiction character, Vampirella is incredibly strong. (But, she is from another planet, so she comes out in the daylight.)

When you think about the vampire’s metabolism and lifestyle, it makes perfect sense. They usually wake up famished and fully motivated to skulk around the shadows and pounce on unsuspecting victims. Sometimes they might use the hypnotic eyes trick to subdue some weak-willed humans before sinking their fangs into them.

Otherwise, there is a whole lot of creeping around, chasing after humans, climbing up buildings, breaking into places and dodging angry vampire-killers. And human-hunting goes on in any weather. Rain, snow, sleet, fog (fog is actually good), thunder showers and hot, humid nights. They don’t take any breaks, sitting by the fireplace, watching television or hanging out at the bar (though that is a good place to find humans). And vampires cannot just pop into the convenience store for some junk food. They have to get their blood ration, go hungry or stay in hibernation.

And they get their sleep. Hours and hours of uninterrupted sleep. No wonder they are good-to-go when they wake up. None of the vampire stories that I have read, watched or heard about talked about 24 hour vampires. Being hyper-sensitive to sunlight, they had to strictly work the night shift and sleep all day. So, even after the longest night of stalking and chasing prey and sometimes fighting and eluding some revenge-seeking humans, the vampire still got plenty of nap time. Often more than 12 hours at a time. Exercise, eat, sleep. Three ingredients of a long life were there in the vampire lifestyle.

And you never heard of one of them eating junk food, candies, pastries or high-sugar breakfast cereals, smoking cigarettes or drinking pop or alcohol did you? (Well, the vampire played by Colin Farrell in the 2011 remake of Fright Night did have a beer.) Nope, it was a strict diet of iron-rich blood, lots of exercise scrambling around in the dark and deep sleep. It is probably why the undead beings never had to visit the dentist or doctor unless the vampires were going for a snack.

Now I am not advocating that kind of lifestyle, especially the late nights and blood drinking. Unless you have a photophobia or condition like XP (xeroderma pigmentosum), you are going to miss out on the benefits of sunlight. Blood drinking is dangerous as the blood can carry pathogens, is difficult to digest and contains too much iron (causing haemochromatosis) which can damage the internal organs. And all of that skulking around in the dark and attacking people will make you unpopular and maybe land you in jail.

But, I fully support the natural, functional fitness exercises, deep breathing, body alignment and several other factors that the vampire lifestyle can replicate.